resonance.

WOW!  Real Pirates!  Ravaging the Seas!  Burning the Villages!  Raping the Horses! Riding off on the Women! Plundering! Pruning the hedges.. of many small villages…

What?

This actually happened.  We all know as it was the only thing that was on the news for the past week. Times like these i’m glad i don’t have a tv.

No… What The Fuck Were You Talking About?

oh yeah… thats paraphrased from the ¡Three Amigos!.  The reason that i say these things is because there is no fucking way in hell that this shit really happened. I don’t mean that literally, but it seems more like a piece of retarded theatre than anything that the truly unpredictable universe could have drafted for us and gotten into this phase of existence.   Follow me for a second here:

1. Pirates attack a 500+ foot 18,500 TON cargo ship — ok this is believeable
2. manage to board it — still beliveable
3. crew fights them off and somehow manages to sink the pirate ship. –  still believable!
4. boarded pirates take captain hostage — wtf?
5. escape on a lifeboat — uhhh….
6. run out of gas with a couple of hours — lifeboat not living up to its namesake
7. US Navy deploys Arleigh Burke class missile warships to deal with situation — good call.
8. captain tries to escape because NAVY taking its sweet old time — good man.
9. pirates recapture him — OJ car chase?
10. they fuck up the pirates on Easter, a sacrifice for the zombie Jesus.
11. it takes them 4 days total get captain back — ehhh…

yeaaaaa! Americans lived! the skull and crossbones fell into the icy oceans and now belong to Davy Jones… of the monkeys.  So, good.  The navy got our man back without hurting him and we fucking killed everyone else.  That’s a win for us. That’s what they’re paid to do and they did that shit… eventually. But seriously, was everybody stoned during this process?  There are a couple things here that don’t add up to me.

How the fuck do 4 pirates chase a cargo vessel 350 miles from land, manage to board it, take a catain hostage and have THIER boat sunk?  I mean, how many of the pirates died doing this?  Were they fucking joy riding with their parent’s beat up old dea sea marauder? “Hey, Asad! Lets go fucking chase down a cargo vessel!  It’s wednesday, You ain’t got no job!  I’m gonna get you high!!”  I could just image how that conversation went on the cargo ship:

• Pirate 1: dude…
• Pirate 2: what?
• Pirate 1: i think our boat just sunk.
• Pirate 2: you mean we’re actually gonna have to figure out how to drive this thing to get home?
• Pirate 1: Shit!  my Waayah Cusub cd was still in the player man!
• Pirate 3: Fuck your CD man, my fucking girlfriend is gonna kill me if i’m not back by Friday… she’s gotten all spiritual and converted to Christianity and someting happens this weekend, i think she does this shit to have a reason to save her virginity…
• Pirate 4: go in the back door.  Christian chicks dig it like that.
• Pirates 5-30: Holy Shit!  Our beer is on that boat!! We have to save it!

and then there were 4.

Then, the Captain trades himself and a lifeboat for the safety of his crew… that were locked in the impenetrable steering room. “Hell, you boys got spirit.  I like spirit. You can have me and that 21 foot lifeboat that carries 24 hours worth of gasoline and is three times bigger than your original boat probably was.”

Once they get on the lifeboat and get into the ocean, the damn thing runs out of gas! I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, if the cargo ship were actually sinking, those sailors would be in serious trouble! Some people are saying that the captain managed to disable the engine.  Something tells me he’s  not that bright if he managed to get captured by this lot.

Then the Navy goes ape shit. Check it out:

That there is a motherfucking aircraft carrier, next to a resupply ship, and next to that is an Arleigh Burke class missile warship just like the USS Bainbridge. That fucking thing is as big as the cargo ship was initially attacked. AND ITS FUCKING ARMED TO THE TITS!
They waited until Sunday to actually do something. I mean fuck people… you could have recreated the water fountains at the Bellagio with the firepower of that ship just to scare the ever living shit out of those pirates, thrown about 30 navy seals in the water, sunk the boat, grabbed the captain and then given some badass assistance to the French boat that was in the same predicament!

Sorry, it doesn’t make sense to me.